I’m not sorry…

Growing up my family was into cars. That was kind of lost on me. Just like I want my phone to function as a communication device (not a mini computer) I want my car to get me safely from one place to another. Don’t get me wrong, I like sports cars and I drool at auto shows but for the most part a car is a car. I don’t view my iPhone as a status symbol or something special. It’s a fucking phone that Apple just happens to make. If I get a Mac it’s a fucking computer Apple happens to make that fits my needs at the time. I’m not better than anyone else.

But you can’t help how others view you, can you?

I have my quirks and faults but one thing I’m not is fucked up. I WAS broken when I was recuperating but I’m not now. At one time in my life I WAS fucked up, but I’m not now. I’m stable and because I’m stable I can help others. Two fucked up people can’t do shit together.

Why am I writing this? I’m sitting in my hotel room in New York thinking. I was told tonight that I’m steak not hamburger. I’m a Mac not a PC. I’m a BMW not a Honda. I want to be a Lamborghini, but for now, I’m a BMW. Being a hamburger, a PC or a Honda isn’t a bad thing because all people are different. Why do I pick people (men) who want to be steak, yet are hamburger and hang around with people that are hamburger or less?

I was told, because I go to clubs and because most of my interaction with men is in the club I fall into the trap of being surrounded by men who have the club mentality. They survive the week to get to the club. It’s the only thing they consistently do “well”. They attract to women like them (hamburger) so they can continue to be hamburger, even though most will claim they want to be steak. The club for many is “the” escape from their unpleasant existence. To bond with other like minds. I see it every time I go, no matter where I go. Good people just extremely fucked up. Going no where with their lives. Making stupid mistake after stupid mistake. Endless cycle. Which means I end up wasting time spinning my wheels just the like guy I’m involved with. And he asked why I do that?

Well, if I knew that going in…. And he countered…how could I not? Birds of a feather flock together.

A person that is serious about changing their life and improving their situation makes the important moves that are necessary to accomplish the goal. One can’t hang with hamburger and scale to steak. Why? Because the worlds clash. That is why new music groups (for example) are put together, taken out of their normal environment, and are surrounded by people (steak) that can help them accomplish their goals (trainers, managers, stylists, new friends with like minds, etc.). Do they have to stop being friends with their hamburger friends? No, but the two worlds clash and usually those ties move to a cordial see-you-when-I-see-you relationship. Not the people you hang out with every time you go out. Know why there are so many one-hit wonders? They couldn’t hold it together because, in truth, they didn’t have what it took to maintain the steak lifestyle (even though they were given the wonderful opportunity they claimed they wanted) because fundamentally, they were hamburger. The price, at the point in time, was too high to scale to steak.

And that’s why, according to him, my relationships failed. The two worlds clash. They were never serious about improving their lives and because they were never serious, they clashed with my world.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else but I am ambitious. I detest being stuck in a rut. Although I don’t require money I do prefer a drama-free let’s not repeat the same shit just a different day bullshit. People either move up, stay stagnant, or digress backwards. I always try to move forward and improve (while having the maximum amount of fun). I don’t like looking back at last year and I’m doing the exact same shit this year.

And I’m not sorry I’m like that.

When I get home, I’m looking for a steak guy. The feast will be plenty.

**I originally wrote this while in New York. He had an interesting theory. It’s not about steak being “better” than hamburger. He said I wasn’t accepting people for who they truly were. I got sucked up into the person they hoped they would become. I believed in their dream more than they did and worked harder to make it happen than they did. The person I fell for didn’t really exist, according to him.

I’m closing comments on this because it’s more reflective than anything else. I know ya’ll will speak up in your own way. I won’t be around though. Sorry…but it’s Jay-Z night!**