My son’s birth: funny now but it wasn’t then

My Mom and I were talking about the woman that gave birth to a 15+lb plus child and, as it happens when you talk about stories like that, started comparing it to our own childbirths. I was talking about when my son was born, when my daughter came in the room . I immediately stopped talking and raised an eyebrow at her. She said “Don’t stop on my account. Just fast forward to the part when you told the nurse to hang on a sec, you were gonna whoop Dad’s butt!”. Before I could roll my eyes good she said it was the funniest part of the story.

I was in labor all night and my ex-husband was sitting in a chair asleep the entire time, give or take an hour or two. I was terrified I was going to have another long labor. When the nurse measured me (for the zillionth time) and said I was dilated enough to call the doctor I saw light at the end of the tunnel. When the nurse came back about an hour later and said the doctor was there and it was time to get this party started I was ready…or so I thought. That’s when he woke up.

The doctor came in the room and we chatted for a minute and I told him I was ready…meaning shut up and let’s go already. My ex took my hand. That’s when I started to get pissed.

I went to push and I swore I was pushing but I guess I wasn’t pushing hard enough. The doctor told me to gather my strength and he’d be right back. He turned his back to do something and that’s when my ex said “Come on Bae, you can do it!”

I got so mad I couldn’t see straight. He sat in a chair all night asleep and he’s telling me I could do it? So I propped myself up and I started to get off the table. The nurse told me to lay back down and I sweetly said:

I will just as soon as I kick his ass. I promise this won’t take a minute but I have to kick his ass. Be right back.

Everyone in the room thought that was funny. The nurse told my ex not to take it personally, women say the strangest things when they are in labor. That really pissed me off and when the doctor said to push I pushed alright, telling my ex he was lucky I was busy at the moment otherwise I would have kicked his ass. It must have been hormones or something but I really wanted to pull a Mike Tyson on him.

Of course, when I saw my son I was so mesmerized I didn’t care anymore. He was gorgeous…the nurse placed him in my arms, he held my hand and smiled at me. The nurse took him to get his vitals and clean him up. They did a great job of cleaning me up and I completely tuned my ex out with him saying I did it, how I birth beautiful kids, yada yada yada. I kept my eye on my son and when they took him out of the room I followed…me and my IV stand. Funny, I always feel energized after having a child. I’m not the least bit tired.

How did it end? Two days later my ex drove me and my son to my house and he went to his. We were already separated which is why it irked me about the impression he was trying to make. My daughter heard this story many times and it cracks her up every time. It makes her laugh more than the story of her birth.