There is something that is important for any type of social interaction. Having a realistic view of what is going on in the relationship, whether it is your lover, spouse, business partner or friend is directly dependent on the success of the relationship. Let me try to explain…
Life isn’t perfect….
Whomever you are interacting with will make mistakes. No one is perfect and there is no way to look into a crystal ball to see what situations will have to be faced. If the person is close to you, you’ll notice you begin going through things together. You share in the successes and the failures. The good and the bad times. This is what creates the bond and forms the foundation for a higher level relationship. Many times business partners fall out simply because they handle problems differently or worse they handle problems the same way, inefficiently. How many times have you noticed with your friends that if one is successful, the other is jealous and it causes problems? Or your spouse had layoffs in their department, has to work more hours, yet their partner complains about the longer hours all the time? These are all examples of a disconnect in the relationship. These are all relationships that will not work unless major changes are made. They all have unrealistic expectations and rarely is that limited to just one area. Their perception of how things really are is usually off across the board. Of course, it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Reality…at it’s finest…
I’m going to talk in terms of a romantic relationship because it is easier for people to relate to since everyone has personal romantic interactions eventually (whereas there are some people who will never have a business partner). What I am saying can apply to any type of relationship and you’ll most likely notice it in your own interactions with people. I will explain in a future article how this principle applies to business partners.
The closer two people are, the better you begin to know them regardless of the barriers they put up to attempt to stop you (or anyone) from getting to close. Once you begin to know someone well, getting underneath all the barriers, you can objectively look at the person and see a realistic picture of what is going on along with who the person really is. The barriers create an unrealistic picture. When someone has barriers up, filtering what you can see, you aren’t getting to know “them”, you are getting to know the filtered image of the person they want you to see. This is a very important concept to realize because, if you don’t, you’ll end up falling for someone that doesn’t exist.
Getting past the barriers
It takes work to get underneath the barriers people put up. It’s a protection mechanism which varies based on the insecurities the person has. It can be very easy or very difficult to get past the barriers. Notice I didn’t say break the barriers down. I have never wanted to break them, more so find the secret passageway to get around them. I don’t believe a person should put the barriers down for everyone until they are ready.
Once you are past the barriers, you will see what the person definitely does not want you to see. You’ll be able to see when he or she is lying to you even if you don’t understand why. You’ll understand that the lie is because they don’t realize you found the secret passageway around the barriers and you’re looking at the negative aspects of their personality.
And you make the conscious decision to stay in their life.
While he or she is impressing you they are working their ass off, you’ll know they are sitting on the coach watching television. “I’m doing the best I can” translates to “I can do better, I’m just not in the mood right now”. Of course, “I’m fine” can translate to “I’m frustrated because I know where I want to go, I’m not sure how to get there and I don’t want to talk to you about it because I don’t want you to think less of me and I need to figure this out on my own.” Let’s look at some more…
“It’s no big deal = Hell yeah! I did it! I did it! Booyah!”
“I didn’t spend much last night = I spent $500 and I’m messed up for the next two months.”
“I do this all the time = I’ve never done this before and this better work out right.”
“I’ve never done this before = And you better not hurt me because it took a lot for me to do this.”
If you aren’t underneath the barrier you will accept what the person is telling you. If you used the secret passageway then you see through what they are saying. Of course, if you tell them he or she will deny it because they don’t realize (or believe) the secret passageway exists.
The key here: is that you’ll understand the person has a problem.
So you know the truth, now what?
This is when the realistic expectation need comes in. Once you realize there is a problem, you have to first figure out if you are the one in the person’s life that can help him or her fix it. If you are, then you’ll have to work on a resolution. Of course, the resolution cannot be implemented until the person trusts you enough and feels comfortable enough to talk to you about the problem. Maybe the resolution is to be patient and let them work it out on their own. The optimal resolution is directly dependent on the situation. Reality: it might be something that can be immediately fixed to something that takes years to straighten out.
The benefit of finding the secret passageway is being able to tell when someone is changing. Not because he or she told you so but because you can compared the unfiltered actions of the past to the unfiltered actions of the present. This requires patience because everyone has their own time clock and someone shouldn’t change to fit into something you have on your agenda.
When you are able to do this, you’ll know the true meaning of letting someone into your life and most important, letting someone into yours.