Cleaning Out My Closet

The reason why I decided to share this: I think it can help other people because, just from the few references I made to it, people responded…”say WHAT?” and encountered people like this so…let’s jump into it.

This is how it started….

Video version of this post

There is a group I follow. I won’t mention names but a person in the group was acting “odd” to me. Things weren’t adding up so I asked a friend of mine (licensed mental health professional) to look at archived live stream and give me their thoughts. They came back with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with possible Borderline Personality Disorder along with a disclaimer about making a diagnosis via a video but the video I sent the person (which was a live stream), along with watching the other group members reactions…the traits were abundant. The thing with NPD, they all kind of do the same thing. This is when I was educated about people with NPD. I thought it was someone conceited, but it’s much more than that. A person with NPD has an excessive need for attention, along with a lack of empathy for others. This is important. A person with NPD cannot care about you. They care about what you can do for them. For example, they care about your well being because they want attention from you, not because they care about you.

So anyway, I was like, “Wow, really?” and I admit, it fit that person’s behavior but I’m a “seek a second opinion” type of person so I consulted another mental health professional, showing the same archived streams without mentioning anything I learned previously. Would you believe they came back with the same diagnosis? I did this one other time, paid a fee, same thing happened. I learned a lot from each mental health professional. I’m glad I sought out the knowledge. I was determining whether I wanted to follow the group anymore.

The Truth Comes Out

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I bumped into a friend of the family I had not seen since I was young. Causally talking about family, she mentioned her cousin had NPD and it reminded her of my father. That’s how I found out my father had NPD. She thought I knew since my mother’s friend told her and she figured, by now, I knew. [Side note: I remember my mother telling me how they tried to go to counseling, and how badly that went. He was diagnosed then but she did not mention NPD.]

So, back to the drawing board with mental health professionals instead this time, I was asking about my father. I’ve talked about my father publicly (it’s no secret we clashed), matter of fact, those following me long enough chatted online with my parents. There was a lot for this person to pull from online if they bothered to look. They politely told me I seem to show signs of narcissistic abuse (PTSD).

I didn’t believe it.

Then something happened. I was talking with the crew (Usk, Jesse, Nyth, Jeffry and I think Kolo might have been there too), and Usk mentioned Ola (his wife ) had a pet peeve. I don’t distribute all of the points available on my toon or my dinos. Why didn’t I distribute them? I said I was saving them for missing engrams, to which they politely told me again there was no need to save them because, between everyone, mostly everything was maxed out with blue prints.

That’s when it clicked. I was self-sabotaging myself, holding myself back, for no good reason. I know, you’re thinking, “That’s not an indicator…”.

I will always be grateful to Ola and Usk because there is no telling when I would have accepted my father had NPD. Them pointing out I did it [hindering my progression] in ARK made me realize I do it a zillion times more. I don’t just do it in ARK, I do it in almost every game. There are tons of ideas I come up with, videos I never make because I talk myself out of it. My gaming videos are proof that I do it and I’m blessed I have undeniable proof in my videos, both online and on my hard drive. If I do it there, I’m doing it in other areas too. Sooooo, I had a, “Well…shit…” moment. That’s serious and that requires serious action, right?

I consulted with a therapist that knew nothing about me. First session, I learned I’m definitely suffering from trauma, PTSD – narcissistic abuse. Second session, I found I out I attract people with NPD because I’m empathic. Being a caring person that likes to help others is like having sucker on your head to them.

It’s in that second session that I realized I had another one in my life I got rid of a couple of years ago. If you played EVE Online with me, you’ll know during my mining sessions inevitably, my phone would ring. That “friend” always had an issue and if I said I was going to mine with my friends on Sunday at 3pm she’d call at 3:15 with an “emergency” that wasn’t an emergency because she didn’t like I wasn’t giving her attention. Back then, I was talking to her 4-5 hours a day about her problems, interfering with things I wanted to do. I felt bad because she was having issues and she had been a rock to me a few times. I can name others she was like to that as well. She did things for others because it always spun back to her getting attention. To this day, I don’t like talking on the phone because of all the talking (for years) I did with her, right after my mother died.

Second session, which was a longer session, I discovered I married one. We haven’t been together in years but he was like my father, matter of fact, my father said that when he met him. Sigh…

Learning all of this was tough, but I was like, “Ok, I prefer the truth. I know the truth now and the confusion I had about those relationships…things are starting to make more sense.” I know the diagnoses are spot on.

It was between the second and third session that my world ripped apart. I realized, talking to my daughter, my mother (who I idolized) had something. We were talking and remembered what my daughter went through with her. My mother tried to come between us. We thought it was the cancer (that eventually traveled to her brain) but looking back, we realized it wasn’t.

Third session was dual session with my daughter. I honestly can’t remember experiencing that much emotional pain in my life. My daughter is suffering from trauma from my mother and she’s healed nicely from her father’s issues (the man I married). It took years working with her to heal from that. We had no idea he had NPD. She felt vindicated, even though I told her his behavior had nothing to do with her or me – he’s broken due to how he was raised. She felt a sense of relief and closure.

Me? Remember people with NPD have no empathy. Realizing my parents, my best friend (at the time) and my husband (at the time) were unable to love…it’s painful. And I feel guilt about my mother’s impact on my daughter. It’s been a rough couple of months. I shut down. No videos, stopped talking in Discord, Facebook, made simple posts on Twitter but I needed time to myself. The more I thought about it, I decided to talk about it when I could because I can tell people have encountered someone who might not have NPD but took advantage of them.

For example, someone who says, “Nice guys/gals always finish last. No place for nice people today. I gave my all, bent over backwards only to be mistreated…”. I’m not saying each person encountered someone with NPD who feels this way but they do show signs of putting other people and their feelings above their own. Not having strong boundaries in place. For example, if you say to a friend, “If you ever mess with someone I’m dating or have dated, I can’t be friends with you because I won’t be able to trust you” if that happens, keep your word. Remove them from your life. If you don’t, your teaching them that it is okay to mistreat you. If you ask the question, “What have you done for me lately?” about someone in your life and your honest answer is “not enough”, it’s time to move on. Love yourself enough to say no. You’re inviting pain in your life and you deserve better than that.

I don’t want to make this too long so I’ll end it here. Remember: Love yourself enough to ensure you are treated the way you deserve to be treated.