Learning lessons from past mistakes

It’s the Olympics and I always think of my ex during this time and it is ironic that I came across some old stuff regarding him. He was my first love. Well, let’s have fun – let’s go back in time. I had an assignment (I was attending a religious school): would you engage in premarital sex, yes or no and why or why not? Here is my response:

premarital sex

By the time I left their church the first day I knew he liked me because in his own subtle way (without disrespecting our mutual friend) he made it very clear. He slid me notes – looking back it was very cute. Many times after that the three of us hung out together in church. It wasn’t until I was grown that I found out she was playing match-maker.

The point is that in his own way he let me know how he felt and didn’t let anything or anyone stand in the way. No boy could begin to compare to that at age 7 and after we’d been together for awhile the bond between us grew making it very hard for other boys to compete. He established a connection with me that went beyond the physical and that’s how he won. It had nothing to do with his looks and that is why the unattractive guy can get the hot looking model. Women value the men that form a connection with us. We don’t pick the people we love. Why do you think people fall in love with people they “shouldn’t” or our first loves (when we followed our hearts completely) seem to be when we were young (in school)? The more time you spend with someone the more you can get to know them without the distractions being in social settings or sex can bring. Because the person is someone you “shouldn’t” be attracted to you interact and get to know the person, the connection builds and next thing you know you’re in deep.

A couple of years later, when he was training for the Olympics I made some promises to him so he wouldn’t be worried about me back home:


His assertiveness won me over but I had to bring my own assertiveness as well. It wasn’t easy for him to express his feelings for me nor was it easy to keep things together when we were apart but I never wanted him to regret his decision in picking me. Rejection from the person you love hurts like hell but the unknown hurt more for us than not seeing things through. I kept my promise, even when I thought he was dead. I never moved on completely until I found him and once I did, I was able to shut the door and move on.

What happened to us? We allowed other people’s opinions to matter in our relationship. In the end, we stopped listening to each other and let other people’s opinions matter over what we felt. It threw everything off course. The truth? I was the suburb girl and he was the inner city guy. His friends were jealous that he “upgraded” because his life was changing into the life they wished they had. Looking back I know now that the solution would have been for us to go elsewhere neutral instead of waiting until he could return home but our naivety didn’t see that as a real option because home was home to us. However, there were negative influences in both of our lives that needed to end and those outside negative influences/behaviors ended up ripping our relationship apart…and we let it happen by letting “noise” (outside influence) drown out our own voices. We allowed our connection to die.

If you’re lucky enough to have a true connection with someone (and you’ll know because it lasts over time) focus on yourselves and explore what is there – alone. It’s no one elses business. When you have a connection with someone it is no longer a “me” thing, it is a “we” thing.

And remember: when you have a connection with someone you already have a relationship – so you might as well explore it as couples do. Definition of relationship: an emotional or other connection between people.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey

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