“Merry” Christmas – 2018

I didn’t think I would smile on Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised.

It’s December. I’ve mentioned before how I feel about December.

I started dreading December and wishing for February in November. December is the anniversary of my brother and Jonghyun’s (he died last year) death. January is the anniversary of my mother’s death. I made up my mind to stop this negative behavior. As I mentioned in the video, I was going to celebrate life, not mourn death, because life goes on. They are gone and as much as I wish they were still here, they aren’t. I uploaded the video around 4am on December 11th. I was proud of myself in taking the initiative to change my mental attitude. I didn’t show it on the outside but on the inside, I suffered for two months. I was going to change that. You know what happened later on that day?

My cousin David passed away later that evening.

Fuck December

After the shock of hearing about his death started to numb me, I started to slip into back into the negative behavior I was trying to overcome. Was I not suppose to grieve? His death hurt. I didn’t feel like celebrating life. I wanted my cousin back. I was confused on what I was supposed to learn from this.

When I finally was able to find the words to react on Facebook, my cousin Eric reached out to me. I hadn’t spoken to him in a long time and we talked for almost an hour. It’s a shame that a sad event brought us back in touch and we promised not to let that happen again. I’m going to keep that promise.

I also talked to my sister. Our schedules have not been kind on us keeping in touch. We need to work on that. I was happy she reached out (usually I am that one that initiates contact) and I enjoyed talking to her.

Later on, I realized a lesson I needed to be reminded of. How I could turn David’s passing into something positive.

Don’t Take Time For Granted

Everyone knows not to take life for granted, that tomorrow will come for you. We know this. Sometimes, life makes it challenging to follow through on the things we want to do. For example, there were things I wanted to do when I was sick but I couldn’t.

I found when I live my life right, The Powers That Be brings me what I need when I need it. I might not understand it is what I need at the time, but eventually, it makes sense. This is one of those times.

I am blessed to learn about new family connections everyday. I am blessed that people enjoy following my journey and I connect with people located all over the world daily. No matter how hard I try to push people away, they keep coming to me.

Because they are supposed to be there.

I may as well stop fighting it, right? Accept my destiny. I’ve always been one to show my love to those I let it. My house is filled it love, I saw to that. We’re an affectionate family. Anyone else getting close to me? It’s easier to break into Fort Knox. Or use to be. I’m changing that.

Show your love. If you can’t visit, send a letter, card, text message…keep in touch. I have no regrets about keeping in touch with David because that wasn’t an issue with us. Could we have been closer? Absolutely, but that holds true for my family in general. Now that I’m better, I need to re-learn how to go to family events and let them in closer. David was the closest cousin to me. His death hurts. I miss him but I reminded myself of a lesson he would be proud of.

Hopefully, I can inspire you to do the same. Improve yourself.

Guess What?

I smiled on Christmas Day. Things kept happening to make me smile. I wasn’t sad. I missed talking to David on Christmas, but I was okay. We had a good holiday. Every time something happened to make me smile or laugh, I realized how blessed I am.

Words cannot express how grateful I am.