Missing You Mom: 2017

When you realize time moves quicker the older you become and you still miss your Mom.

Dear Mom,

It seems like time moves quicker the more you age. It doesn’t seem like another year has passed, yet there are times when it feels like you’ve been gone three times longer. So much has happened in the past year.

The happiest news for me, is that I am finally getting better. I wish I could have seen your expression when I found out I have an Asian trait I didn’t know I had, which interfered with the medicine I was taking. I wish you could tell me where it came from! I took a AncestryDNA test and, hopefully, it will connect me with Asian relatives so I can find out more. I realize the ethnicity portion of the test most likely will not show much because I do not have a strong line of Asian ancestry (that I know of). I hope I find out more because I find it fascinating.

I’m grateful I don’t smoke. The doctor said I most likely wouldn’t have made it if I had due to the damage smoking does to the lungs. They recently found a way to replace the heart with something so it basically doesn’t clog and can beat indefinitely. That technology, once properly tested, will save millions of lives but without healthy lungs, people can’t live. Now, if they can only kill cancer. They are working on it Mom, and I try to use my spare time to help charities that focus on it.

The Asian trait helps explain my attraction to Asian culture, doesn’t it? I didn’t understand it before. The kids and I are heavily into K-Pop and I’m trying to teach myself Korean. We continue to explore other cultures as well. We all have a thirst for knowledge that I think you would be proud of.

I’ve started writing more and discovered my vocabulary and grammar are atrocious. The internet killed it, I did nothing to prevent it, and I take full responsibility for it. I was so proud of being able to read things backwards and with missing letters that now, I can’t proofread squat. I auto-correct it in my mind. A 2017 goal is to improve my writing skills. I am working on a fan fiction that I think you would be proud of. I made the firm decision of less social media posts and more writing here and link it to social media. This site is my home, and I’m going to treat it like that. I’m going to transfer some of my longer writings from Facebook over here, where they belong.

I wish you were here because I have decisions to make. I am blessed to have a clean slate with many options, but I am undecided what I want to do. For work, I have to make a clear path for what I want but I feel like a kid in a toy store (or an adult in a tech store with unlimited money) unable to decide or worse, wanting it all. Is wanting it all a bad thing? What I want compliments each other. I’m beginning to think that, instead of working on one thing, I should slowly work towards many goals like I see these K-Pop idols doing, since they compliment each other.

I wish you were here to watch this nightmare conclude. Finally, the truth is coming out and I am so sorry that you died before it did. I am sorry that you watched me suffer, be on opposite sides of this with Dad (although I now fully see why he did it that way), with your hands tied to prevent it. I cannot imagine watching that with my kids. I will eternally love you and be grateful to you for believing in me. I am grateful that you instilled in me to take responsibility for what I do and not to support anyone doing wrong, even you. My actions prove I don’t do that. People can do what they want, but not without consequences. You and Dad taught me not to trust someone who can look people in the eye, lie and hurt others while expecting not to have repercussions from that. A person that can hurt and feel no remorse or regret, enough to do something about it, is not someone I want in my life. I no longer make excuses when I see that behavior. When will people learn Mom? I learned my lesson. I just got rid of one last year and it wouldn’t be a mistake this time if I repeated that foolishness.

So do you think you can come down from up there and hang out with me for a little while when I get my results back? And bring Mama, Mother, and my brother? Just reach down and give me a hug. That would make it…perfect. Because I miss you.

I love you.


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