Miss Lillian Voss. She has an interesting story. She was, in World of Warcraft lore, a member of the Scarlet Crusade; a religious cult formed with the purpose of eliminating the undead from Lordaeron. Raised by her father High Priest Benedictus Voss, she was taught to detest the Forsaken and the Scourge. Players that pick the undead race discover Lillian Voss very early in the game, in a coffin inside Deathknell. When she realizes that she is a Forsaken, she rejects that truth, and she hates herself. She hates the fact that the people that once embraced her no longer would. Her focus changed to eliminating the Scarlet Crusade and evil necromancers.
Fast forwarding (avoiding spoilers), while watching Sylvanas Windrunner raise (create) more Forsaken, Lillian changed her perspective from hating Forsaken to helping those newly formed Forsaken avoid the pain she went through when she transformed. She wanted to help them adjust to their situation. At some point during her journey, Lillian decided to embrace the fact that she was a Forsaken.
So why am I talking about Lillian Voss? Playing World of Warcraft lately, I found the story of Lillian Voss inspiring. I’ve mentioned previously that I recently found out that my father had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). That played a very big role in my development growing up. It taught me how to stand up to people, and to fight for what I believe in, but it also boxed me into being labeled incorrectly. Few people believed me when I exposed the lies my father was telling (or the money my father was throwing around was more important), so I was painted as the rogue problem child (which I turned into for a while). The truth always comes to light so my father’s lies, eventually, became exposed. Talking to multiple licensed mental health professionals, I learned his behavior, especially the obvious lies, made perfect sense for someone who has NPD. However, not knowing that he had NPD, his behavior made no sense which is why people didn’t believe me. They’d say, “Why would he do that? It doesn’t make any sense!” but he did those things, and time eventually revealed the truth.
But I was still angry. Very angry. And incredibly hurt. I’d be holding on to the anger, pain and frustration for years, letting it shape my identity, even after my father died. I ended up losing my identity, putting everyone before myself to the point that if you asked me a simple question like, “What is your favorite color?”, I didn’t have one. It didn’t help that people outside my family did the same thing. For example, while in college I used Apple as a sample company for a school project. I realized something with fishy with their books and I listed my suspicions based on public documents. I received an A (100) on the project. My teacher loved it. When I mentioned it within the community I owned at the time, the hate was real because they were Apple lovers so Apple could do no wrong. It took years for it to be publicly acknowledged the lengths Apple went through to avoid paying taxes and many other shady things they did. Another example, I mentioned the idea of people enjoying watching gamers play games long before Twitch became a thing. Unfortunately, I mentioned it within the same community and got, “What are you talking about? Why would anybody want to watch someone play a video game when you can play the game yourself?” I’m writing this while most people are sleeping. This is Twitch right now, and we won’t talk about how much money gamers make working each day (because it is their job):
While I still interact with many of the members within that community, I no longer allow those that have an inability to have an open mind to see outside their tunneled vision within my inner circle. Looking back at my life, there are countless times when I saw something plain as day, but the people in my inner circle didn’t see it and I ended up being correct. Problem was: because the people around me couldn’t see it, I thought I was wrong. That caused me to doubt myself and my intuition. The accumulation of all of those things turned into anger, frustration and pain.
I didn’t want to be that person anymore.
In order to love yourself, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
I realized I needed to change and 2020 was the perfect opportunity for me to do that. As I mentioned in my last video, I realized that I am truly blessed, even with all the learning experiences I’ve been through. You see what I did there? I’m embracing them as learning experiences instead of holding onto the anger, pain, and frustration of them being “bad” experiences. I’ve accepted the fact that everyone has super powers and I’ve embraced some of mine are attracting people to me and seeing or sensing things ahead of time. And I embraced the big one that I’ve been running from for years: helping people.
Now I know you’re going say, “But Tyme, you help people all the time!” and I do. From childhood, I’ve always been a helpful person. I told the story many times over how (as a kid), I frustrated my mother, because I refused to let a kitten sit on our porch alone through a thunderstorm overnight. If you talk to a mental health professional about being happy, they will tell you to look back to your childhood (before life scarred you) to see what made you happy. For me, I enjoy helping people and it is genuine because I don’t ask or expect anything in return.
My problem: I didn’t have the wisdom to set strong boundaries, so I could keep negative energy (people) out, so I can focus on being positive with other people. That’s why those “bad” experiences happened, because I had lessons to learn. My father taught me, as a child, the importance of setting strong boundaries and I didn’t apply the wisdom I learned through those lessons until I was an adult.
2020 is taking no hostages. It is a year of truth. A year of opening your eyes. Sharing my wisdom, this time can be used to embrace and gain wisdom from the “bad” things that happened in your past (along with the good things), realize you’re pretty awesome to have survived it all, then love yourself enough to leave the past in the past, and use the wisdom you learned from those lessons to have a better life now, to ensure an incredible future.