Why Do We Feel Guilty Saying No?
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, like I did, boundaries probably felt impossible.
My father was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). That shaped my entire understanding of what was “normal” in relationships. When you’re raised in an environment like that, everything revolves around the narcissist’s needs. Your feelings, your limits, your comfort… they don’t just get ignored. They get erased.
You learn early on that saying no is dangerous, disappointing, or just plain unacceptable.
When people talk about “people-pleasers” or “being too nice,” it’s not just about personality. It’s about survival. People-pleasing is often a trauma response. It’s a learned behavior designed to keep the peace, to avoid punishment, or to feel like you’re worthy of love.
For many of us, that behavior doesn’t go away because we grow up. Instead, we find ourselves over-accommodating in relationships, at work, and even with friends. Until we burn out completely.
People-Pleasing Isn’t Harmless
Let’s be honest: over-accommodation is real, and more common than people realize. It can look like:
- Saying yes when you’re exhausted
- Feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Staying in draining relationships out of fear
- Feeling resentful, but blaming yourself for it
What starts as kindness can turn into self-erasure.
I remember a time when a friend called me at 2 AM, venting about the same relationship problem for the third time that week. I had an important presentation the next morning. I was exhausted. But I stayed on the phone for an hour because I couldn’t bring myself to say, “I need to sleep. Can we talk tomorrow?”
The next day, my presentation went well but I was dragging all day. I was angry, not at my friend, but at myself. That’s when I realized something had to change.
The longer this goes on, the more we lose sight of who we are. We’ve spent so much time trying to be what other people want that we forget what we actually need.
Boundaries Are Not Walls. They’re Doors with Locks
It wasn’t until I started therapy that I realized I had no idea what boundaries looked like.
I thought saying no was mean. I thought taking time for myself was selfish. But what I’ve learned is that boundaries are not about shutting people out. They’re about choosing who gets close, and on what terms.
When you set a boundary, you’re not being cold. You’re being clear.
At first, it was hard. I felt guilty every time I protected my time or energy. The first time I told someone, “I can’t help you with that right now,” I spent the entire evening replaying the conversation in my head, convinced I’d been cruel.
But over time, that guilt gave way to something else. Peace. Confidence. Relief.
I stopped feeling resentful. I stopped attracting people who wanted to take advantage of my kindness. I started meeting people who also had boundaries. People who understood that mutual respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
Birds of a Feather: Why Boundaries Attract Healthier People
Here’s something I didn’t expect: when I started enforcing my boundaries, my relationships improved.
Not all of them. Some people didn’t like the change. But the ones that remained became stronger, more honest, and more fulfilling.
The biggest shift? I began attracting people who respected themselves and others. People who didn’t expect me to rescue them. People who didn’t demand access to me 24/7. People who actually asked if I had the energy for a conversation before venting.
It turns out, people with boundaries don’t want to be around those who have none. When you respect yourself, it becomes obvious when someone else doesn’t.
I want to be clear: we’re all at different stages of this journey. If you’re reading this and thinking, “What if I’m the person with no boundaries driving others away?”, that’s okay. Recognizing it is the first step. You’re not behind. You’re exactly where you need to be to start moving forward.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Over-Accommodating
If any of this resonates with you, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. There’s a reason you developed these patterns, and you’re allowed to unlearn them.
Here’s how I started the process:
- Start Small – Practice saying no to things that feel low-stakes. Decline a meeting. Reschedule a hangout. Turn off your phone for an hour. These tiny no’s build your confidence.
- Listen to Your Gut – If something feels off or draining, it probably is. You don’t need a reason to walk away from discomfort.
- Write It Down – When you feel guilty for enforcing a boundary, write out what happened and how it made you feel. It helps rewire the instinct to self-blame. I still do this, and looking back at old entries reminds me how far I’ve come.
- Don’t Over-Explain – “No” is a complete sentence. So is “I can’t do that right now.” You don’t owe anyone an emotional TED Talk about why you need to protect your energy.
- Find Your People – Look for relationships where you don’t feel like you’re constantly performing or fixing. Surround yourself with people who make space for your needs, not just their own.
- Get Support – Therapy helped me tremendously. If you’re struggling, consider talking to a professional who understands how these patterns form and how to break them.
The Truth About Respect
You can’t force someone to respect you. But you can stop giving access to people who don’t.
That’s the power of boundaries. You’re not being confrontational. You’re being intentional with your time, your energy, and your heart.
Respect starts with you. When you give it to yourself, others follow your lead or they fade away. Either way, you win.
There’s nothing wrong with being kind, generous, or supportive. But… those traits should never come at the cost of your own well-being. You deserve relationships where your no is respected as much as your yes. You deserve to take up space in the world without apologizing for it.
Stop trying to earn love by shrinking yourself. The people meant for you won’t ask you to.
Additional Resources
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
MentalHealth.gov
Books:
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
📌 Changelog
- January 13, 2026: Added additional information
- July 1, 2025: Article re-written to add additional information.
- Feb 14, 2014: Original article posted.
