Receiving criticism is unavoidable. Whether it’s feedback on our outfits, our work, or opinions on social media, it finds us. Even when it’s meant to be helpful, we often react defensively. But why?
The Psychology of Criticism
Our reactions to criticism affect us emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Here are eight key reasons why even constructive feedback can feel like an attack:
- Enmeshment: Some of us tie our self-worth to our work, our relationships, or our beliefs, which makes criticism feel personal. The line between “this is something I like” and “this is who I am” blurs, making feedback hit harder than it should.
- Threat to Autonomy: Nobody likes feeling controlled or being told what to do. When someone critiques our choices, our subconscious interprets it as an attempt to take away our agency, triggering resistance.
- The Negativity Bias: Our brains are hardwired to focus on the negative. One critical comment can outweigh ten glowing compliments—not because it’s more accurate, but because our survival instincts prioritize threats over rewards.
- Fear of Social Exclusion: Criticism can stir up the ancient fear of alienation and being an outcast. Public settings and online spaces amplify that fear, making people more defensive than they might be in private.
- Misread Intent: If you receive criticism online, it’s easier to jump to the wrong conclusion. Text lacks tone, facial expressions, and context, which can make a neutral comment seem dismissive or even condescending.
- Perceived Unfairness: People are more likely to reject criticism if they feel misunderstood. If someone believes their critic doesn’t understand their perspective, they’ll tune out instead of taking the feedback to heart.
- Emotional Flooding: Harsh criticism can trigger a stress response, shutting down rational thinking. Instead of processing what we’ve been told, we react instinctively with anger, denial, or defensiveness.
- Cultural and Upbringing Influences: How we handle criticism depends on where—and how—we were raised. People who grew up with constant praise may struggle with any type of feedback that isn’t a compliment, while different cultures have different norms for giving and receiving criticism.
Reframing Criticism as a Growth Tool
Understanding why criticism stings is the first step to handling it better. The next step? Learning to approach it differently. Here’s how:
- Separate Yourself from What’s Being Criticized: Feedback on your work, personal relationships, etc., isn’t an assault on your character or self-worth.
- Pause, Reflect, Respond: Give yourself time to process what’s being said before reacting emotionally.
- Seek Clarification: If the criticism feels unfair, ask for elaboration before dismissing it.
- Normalize Imperfection: Nobody is perfect, and you can’t grow without making mistakes. Criticism isn’t a verdict—it’s a tool.
And if you’re the one giving constructive criticism to someone?
- Criticize the Action, Not the Person: Frame feedback around the person’s behaviors, not their character.
- Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying, “You always do this wrong,” try, “I think this could be improved by…”
- Be Specific: Vague criticism isn’t helpful—focus on clear, actionable points.
- Balance with Positivity: Acknowledge what works before diving into what doesn’t.
- Ask for Permission: Not everyone enjoys receiving unsolicited advice. Build trust first and ask if someone wants your help.
Receiving and giving criticism doesn’t have to be a battle. When we understand the psychology behind our reactions, we can take criticism in stride—and maybe even use it to grow.
