In my previous article When a man loves you…, I explored the question of whether the person you’re romantically involved with truly loves you. While I wrote it from a woman’s perspective, the insights apply to anyone in a relationship. After publishing it, I heard from people who had faced similar doubts about the commitment of their partner. As they shared their stories, a consistent theme stood out: many people were mistaking a request to change who they are for a healthy compromise.
You Can’t Always Have Your Way — But That’s Not the Whole Story
It’s true. In relationships, you can’t get what you want, when you want it, exactly how you want it — not all the time. But compromise and personality change are not the same thing.
Compromise is when both people work together to find a middle ground that respects who they are.
Change is when one person is asked to abandon a part of themselves to meet the other’s expectations.
Let’s look at two examples that illustrate the difference:
Example 1: The Hidden Cost of Dinner
John and Mary move in together. Mary enjoys cooking. John doesn’t — he ate out most nights when he was single. While dating, Mary would cook sometimes, and they’d eat out other times. It worked.
After moving in, Mary notices how much they spend on restaurants. She suggests a new plan: eat out once a week, John cooks two nights, and she’ll cook the rest.
It sounds fair — but John doesn’t like cooking. Never has. What Mary is really asking isn’t about budgeting. She’s asking John to change who he is: from someone who dislikes cooking to someone willing to do it regularly, forever.
Example 2: Shared Joy, Shared Work
Angela and Dexter also move in together. Both enjoy cooking and used to cook for one another while dating. After moving in, they agree: whoever gets home first starts dinner. No schedule. No pressure. They grocery shop together and make it fun.
This is a compromise rooted in mutual enjoyment. Even if one ends up cooking more, it doesn’t feel like a burden — because it’s something they both love.
Requests That Aren’t Really Compromises
The difference is simple: Mary is asking John to become someone he’s not. Angela and Dexter are building around who they already are.
When people ask for change disguised as compromise, the request is often deeply personal — and often one-sided. Here are a few examples you might recognize:
- Clubbing: A couple regularly goes out while dating. Later, one partner wants the other to stop going out with friends. The “compromise”? Only go out together — or not at all.
- Social media: One partner has flirty or risqué contacts online. The other wants them removed. The “compromise”? Less screen time or a bribe (like saving up for a gift).
- Spending habits: One partner enjoys shopping. The other disapproves. The “compromise”? Cut back to save for a vacation.
- Gaming: One partner plays video games for a few hours daily. The other wants it to stop. The “compromise”? Replace gaming with “quality time.”
These aren’t compromises. These are negotiations to change who someone is — not small sacrifices for the health of the relationship. The broken promises made trying to please someone will damage the relationship.
Worse, the person making the request often gives up nothing in return.
If You’re Always the One Changing, Something’s Off
Have you ever been in a relationship where someone claimed they “just wanted to compromise” — but the changes always seemed to land on you?
It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of someone. It’s harder to love who they truly are. And when that gap becomes apparent, some people try to close it by changing their partner instead of adjusting their expectations.
This usually doesn’t work. Changes made under pressure — instead of coming from a genuine desire — rarely last. The person who changes ends up unhappy. The relationship starts to crack.
A Real Compromise: When Support Aligns with the Person’s Choice
Here’s what a real compromise looks like:
Charles and Janet have been together for two years. Charles gains some weight and says he wants to get healthier. Janet, already fit, offers to go to the gym with him. She also agrees to eat more nutritious meals and stops keeping high-calorie snacks at home — even though she still enjoys them. She eats them at work instead.
Janet didn’t ask Charles to change. Charles wanted to make the change himself. Janet simply supported him in a way that respected both of them.
That’s a real compromise: no one is losing who they are. They’re working together to build something stronger.
Your Soulmate Doesn’t Want to Redesign You
The love of your life will not see your quirks as a problem to fix.
They won’t resent your interests, hobbies, or personal habits. They’ll accept them. Maybe even join in. And if there’s ever a conflict, the compromise will include both of you, not just you making sacrifices for them.
Your soulmate:
- Trusts you when you’re out with friends.
- Doesn’t need you to delete people from your life.
- Respects your hobbies — even if they don’t share them.
- Finds balance instead of issuing ultimatums.
The Takeaway: Don’t Trade Yourself for a Relationship
You are you for a reason. Anyone who truly loves you will see that — and will work with you, not against you.
So ask yourself: Are you compromising? Or are you slowly being shaped into someone else to keep the peace?
The right person doesn’t need you to become someone new. The right person brings out more of who you already are.
📌 Changelog
- April 29, 2025: Article re-written to shorten it and add clarity. Updated image.
- March 10, 2011: Original article posted.
