Can you believe summer’s almost over? Labor Day is right around the corner. A lot of people are trying to squeeze in a last-minute summer romance before the season unofficially comes to an end.
I am not one of those people. But I’ve been listening to the Years & Years and MNEK collab “Valentino“, and I can’t help but think about my own encounter with Valentino…
The Warning Signs I Ignored
I met him on social media years ago, during the summer. In his pictures he had flowing dark hair, summer-tanned skin, was lean and muscular. I thought he was so hot. We messaged back and forth. Mostly on Twitter, occasionally in slide in each other’s DMs. But that was it. We never moved past social media. No texts, no calls, no video chats.
And never made plans to meet up in person because we lived in two different countries. If I didn’t message him first, I’d go weeks without a word. I wish I could say I noticed the red flags earlier but I didn’t. At the time, I chalked it up to him being busy. Or maybe he was shy.
Looking back, the only reason I put up with that was because I was dealing with abandonment issues regarding my father, who was never around. I wanted someone who would give me just a little affection, the little bit of attention that my father never showed me. And I got that small sliver of what my Valentino would give me, and at the time, it was more than enough. Now I see it for what it was: breadcrumbing.
What Is Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is a manipulation tactic that involves sending quick, periodic messages to another person to trick them into believing a relationship might form in the future. The goal is to give that person false hope to keep them invested without having to pursue an actual relationship. The recipient might not even get the chance to meet the breadcrumber in real life.
The term gets its name from the fairy tale Hansel and Gretal, where the siblings follow a trail of breadcrumbs to a house made of candy…only to find an evil witch who wants to eat them. Signs you should look out for are:
- Sporadic, inconsistent communication: They only reach out to you occasionally, or you’re the one always reaching out to them.
- Lack of substance: Their messages are always flirty and playful but they avoid having serious conversations with you.
- An inability to make plans: Breadcrumbers will make vague plans to meet with you but will hit you with excuses or cancellations if you try to pin them down.
- Hot and cold behavior: Their interest level changes constantly. They might disappear without a trace one day, only to act loving and affectionate to you the next.
- Compartmentalization: They avoid integrating you into other parts of their life. They may only speak to you on messaging apps and have strict boundaries on when or how they spend time with you.
- They only show interest when you try to move on: As soon as you make it clear you’re losing interest, they’ll show you with attention to reel you back in.
Sound familiar? Then you might be dealing with someone like my Valentino. Someone who isn’t emotionally available, but loves the attention. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that leaves you feeling confused and questioning if you’re good enough or if you did something wrong.
He Was Never Mine To Begin With
Eventually, the truth came out. He had a girlfriend the whole time I was talking to him. He was also flirting with other girls and guys on Instagram; the one platform we didn’t use to communicate with each other.
I was crushed. Not because I’d lost him because let’s be honest, I never had him. I felt humiliated. Like I’d built a whole fantasy around someone who barely cared whether I existed. What hurt the most was that I’d ignored every red flag along the way.
Why Do We Fall for These People?
Breadcrumbers operate on the principle of intermittent reinforcement. Also called partial reinforcement, it’s when someone is only rewarded when they perform a desired behavior some of the time, instead of every time it occurs. The unpredictability creates a sense of excitement and anticipation that actually encourages you to continue the behavior.
The occasional reward or even the thought of getting it can trigger a dopamine release. This creates a powerful psychological effect that keeps you engaged. The scary part is that behaviors learned through partial reinforcement are harder to break. The uncertainty creates a strong expectation that you’ll be rewarded eventually and it’s difficult to tell when the behavior is no longer being reinforced.
With breadcrumbing, you get enough attention to give you hope that it can turn into something deeper. But it’ll never be enough to keep you satisfied yet you keep expecting things to change.
You Deserve More Than “Almost”
After I cut things off, I didn’t hear from him again. A few weeks ago, I peeked at his Instagram for fun. Guess what? He hasn’t changed one bit. Still flirting with anything that moves, still playing the same games. Perez Hilton’s blog has shown more growth than him!
It’s not your job to convince someone to care. You shouldn’t have to chase crumbs when you deserve the whole damn cake. If you suspect a potential partner of breadcrumbing you, pay close attention to how they make you feel. Keep track of the frequency and consistency of their messages and don’t make excuses when they’re actions don’t align with their words.
Set strong boundaries by being clear on what you’re looking for in a relationship. If they can’t meet those expectations, then they’re not ready to give you what you want and need. You’re not being “too sensitive,” or “expecting too much.” You’re just finally seeing that what they’re offering isn’t enough.
So be careful looking for that great summer love, or whichever season you’re in the mood for little romance. You never know where Valentino or Valentina will turn up next.
📌 Changelog
- July 1, 2025: Rewrote the article to include information about breadcrumbing.
- August 23, 2019: Date original article was posted.
